and so then Patton says....

*disclaimer: personal alert*

"The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That's the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!"  —General George S. Patton, Jr.

 
 

After a chat with my dad (thanks, btw) and some reassurances, I've decided that I will post about this and you don't have to read it if you don't want to, but I need to write it.  I'm writing everything.

All of it.

I'm not a crier.  in any sense.  But I'm feeling a little weepy tonight. 

 ok, maybe not weeeeeepy.. but definately teary-eyed.

There are certain people in my life that have this inane ability to look at me and if I have any sort of sadness in my heart, I will immediately burst into tears.

Not kidding.

and not pretty, either.

It's actually quite annoying.

Especially if you've just driven 11 hours with your sister only to stop in and see an old friend and can barely speak in his direction let alone make eye-contact for fear (yeah, it scares me) of losing it.

{long story, different story, more on that at some point down the line, maybe.}

I've learned that the key to this is eye-contact. 

It should be avoided at all costs when feeling sad,

 helpless,

{insert name of another useless-in my humble opinion-and unavoidable emotion here}

etc. 

you get the point.

so tonight, as my Dad was so kindly saying good-night, what did I do?

slipped up and looked him in the eye..

yep.

tear central.

so here's what's up...

I haven't written much in the last week

every time that I sit down to write,

I go blank.

So here goes.

I am scared. nervous. apprehensive. second-guessing myself.

I feel lost.

 

I feel alone.

 

Even in the midst of a packed room, I feel alone.

I am trying to think happy thinks. 

 I amuse myself with happy blog-posts that others have written. 

 I busy myself with plans of cleaning and baking and cooking, and all around, just not at home time. 

I've become addicted (seriously, not a good thing) to my iphone. 

 {Words with Friends, anyone? - I have 13 games going right now.}

  I surround myself with people.

I volunteer my weekend to hang out with a four-year old (did have fun, btw).

  I try to block out the bad thoughts. 

 The ones telling me that what I'm doing is crazy.

That I need a job.

that grown ups don't do this.

grown ups don't give everything up and make huge decisions based on whims.

then I chide myself, because obv, this is not a whim.

I am not whimsical.

I'm spontaneous, yes.

whimsical, no.

I want to wake up every day with a purpose.

I know, right now, my calling in Africa in less than 30 days, but I'm talking long run here.

Please keep in mind that I haven't worked in... (oh, since, November 13th, 2009)

 yeah, seriously, three months.  That's it.

And I've had big things going on in those three months.

But what I long for is not the job I left,

it's not the 9-5 routine of conventionality {is that even a word?}.

I want to do something that reminds me on a daily basis why I go to work.

I want to travel.

I want to know in my heart that I make a difference.

I want to experience different cultures.

I want to learn more about people.

I want to share my experiences with writing.

or photos.

or postcards.

or stories.

Problem is... what kind of job does that???

should I get my sneakers & iPod?

It just occured to me tonight that what I'm doing

 {going to Africa, moving to Cali, travel, travel, travel, etc..}

could be looked at as me running away.

And I asked myself,

"Self, are you running away again?"

the answer...

...

 questionable.

This is something I've wanted to do for a long time,

but why now? 

why africa? 

 why california? 

WHAT am I doooooing?!

Part One:

let me explain

(a little background)

for those of you

{read: everyone - I know.. frustrating.}

that can't read my mind...

I have a very expressive face. 

You can really see what I'm feeling most times.

Or rather, people guess.

often, they get it right.

Then there are times,

when no one can figure out what it is that I'm thinking. 

My dad tells a story about times when I was maybe about two years old,

and he'd ask me a question,

and sometimes,

 I'd just stare at him.

big eyes, no expression.

He claims that the expression was,

"I know what you're saying, but you can't prove it, so I'm not saying anything"

I wasn't a big talker back then.

I had an older sister that could tell anyone whatever they wanted or needed to know.

I had an older sister that talked enough for both of us.

{love you misha ♥}

I'm still not a big talker now.

I have a little sister that can tell waiters/waitresses that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and what kind of sushi we'll have.

I have a little sister that talks enough for the both of us.

{love you jac ♥}

I will say (disclaimer) -

 that there are a few people that can get me talking for hours upon days upon weeks,

{but not many can do that..}

Ok - so...

from what I'm picturing of the story my dad so fondly recalls,

I was a demon child with a death stare.

ok.. maybe not that bad. 

but seriously,

nickname in high school?

the Anti-Christ.

{ok, given by a boy that claims to have had a crush on me}

but still.

my older sister

{remember? lives in San Diego with her sweet little family}

when chastised for being too bossy {read: bitchy}

she says...

"you haven't met my sister."

just for the record - I don't take offense at this.

my dad says that I

"don't suffer fools lightly"

just for the record - I don't take offense at this.

mostly because it's true.

I think it's important for people to know where you stand.

I am a firm believer in standing up for yourself.

and your family.

and your friends.

and those that can't stand up for themselves.

and I believe that you should be held accountable for your actions.

for your words.

whether you do it,

{or I do it for you... ha ha}

stand up for yourself.

and those you love.

hold yourself accountable.

THAT being said...

I've been looking back on my short little life and rethinking it over the last few months, weeks, days.

I'm not a big talker, I've never been a sharer.

of feelings, I mean.
maybe that's my problem.

So, I've decided, I need to share.

and who better to share with, than you?

I would like to start by saying
{disclaimer, again}
 that I have a firm belief in my heart that I have no regrets.

I would like to say that, but I don't know if I can, honestly.

I don't regret where I am today.

I don't regret the experiences that have made me the person that I am today.

I know that if I hadn't had those very specific experiences,

I would not be the person that I am today.

the person that's going to change the bad in the world to good.

the person that's making a difference in the life of a child.

in the life of a stranger.

the person that's making a difference in your life.

I think maybe I could've done without the scars & stitches on my heart, but unless I share some of it, what good is it to have the experience and not learn from it?