and so then Patton says....

*disclaimer: personal alert*

"The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That's the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!"  —General George S. Patton, Jr.

 
 

After a chat with my dad (thanks, btw) and some reassurances, I've decided that I will post about this and you don't have to read it if you don't want to, but I need to write it.  I'm writing everything.

All of it.

I'm not a crier.  in any sense.  But I'm feeling a little weepy tonight. 

 ok, maybe not weeeeeepy.. but definately teary-eyed.

There are certain people in my life that have this inane ability to look at me and if I have any sort of sadness in my heart, I will immediately burst into tears.

Not kidding.

and not pretty, either.

It's actually quite annoying.

Especially if you've just driven 11 hours with your sister only to stop in and see an old friend and can barely speak in his direction let alone make eye-contact for fear (yeah, it scares me) of losing it.

{long story, different story, more on that at some point down the line, maybe.}

I've learned that the key to this is eye-contact. 

It should be avoided at all costs when feeling sad,

 helpless,

{insert name of another useless-in my humble opinion-and unavoidable emotion here}

etc. 

you get the point.

so tonight, as my Dad was so kindly saying good-night, what did I do?

slipped up and looked him in the eye..

yep.

tear central.

so here's what's up...

I haven't written much in the last week

every time that I sit down to write,

I go blank.

So here goes.

I am scared. nervous. apprehensive. second-guessing myself.

I feel lost.

 

I feel alone.

 

Even in the midst of a packed room, I feel alone.

I am trying to think happy thinks. 

 I amuse myself with happy blog-posts that others have written. 

 I busy myself with plans of cleaning and baking and cooking, and all around, just not at home time. 

I've become addicted (seriously, not a good thing) to my iphone. 

 {Words with Friends, anyone? - I have 13 games going right now.}

  I surround myself with people.

I volunteer my weekend to hang out with a four-year old (did have fun, btw).

  I try to block out the bad thoughts. 

 The ones telling me that what I'm doing is crazy.

That I need a job.

that grown ups don't do this.

grown ups don't give everything up and make huge decisions based on whims.

then I chide myself, because obv, this is not a whim.

I am not whimsical.

I'm spontaneous, yes.

whimsical, no.

I want to wake up every day with a purpose.

I know, right now, my calling in Africa in less than 30 days, but I'm talking long run here.

Please keep in mind that I haven't worked in... (oh, since, November 13th, 2009)

 yeah, seriously, three months.  That's it.

And I've had big things going on in those three months.

But what I long for is not the job I left,

it's not the 9-5 routine of conventionality {is that even a word?}.

I want to do something that reminds me on a daily basis why I go to work.

I want to travel.

I want to know in my heart that I make a difference.

I want to experience different cultures.

I want to learn more about people.

I want to share my experiences with writing.

or photos.

or postcards.

or stories.

Problem is... what kind of job does that???