What dreams may come

We finally made it to Fort Bragg to see sweet Meg & her Michael in the wee hours of Thursday morning. After about two hours just catching up on what our lives have been like over the past three (even though it seems like forever since the wedding) weeks, we decided we needed to nap. We saw Mike off to work and then quickly conked out for a few hours.

With sleep, come dreams, and with all the worrying I've been doing lately, it seems only fair that those worries would soon wind up in my dreams. And so, after two hours of sleep, I was startled awake. Not by anything in the room, just a sudden realization in whilst dreaming. And just so you know, I'm not a crazy that takes her dreams seriously and literally each and every time. But it's different with certain people that I'm close with. It happens sometimes where I'll dream about them and then they call or show up the next day. It kinda freaks me out sometimes.

So, this realization... Mike was being to deployed to Haiti for relief efforts. Let me explain... I'm often so wrapped up in my 'bubble' {as it's often called} that I don't connect things right away, and more likely, hear about things way after the fact. I'm sure that if Mike wasn't deployed, I would have been unaware of the disaster for a few more days if not weeks.

So with that being said, I have a dear friend, C., that is currently in Tortola working on a boat. Probably not a 'boat' so much as yacht, or mini cruiseliner, but again, to me, just a vessel on the water, alas, boat. Sorry if I've offended any boatlovers.

Anyhow, so this dawns on me, and I immediately wish that I had some semblance of a geography knowledge of some sort. Of course, I don't because we moved around so much with the Army, there are lessons that I missed out on as each school, town, state curriculumn is different. That's my excuse for any type of general knowledge that I don't know, by the way.

Can I tell you that I love the iPhone? I google-earthed {yes, I just made it a verb} Haiti. Then Tortola. Then I wished I had some sense of distance. Yeah, don't ask me to estimate how far anything is, either. So according to googleEarth, it's close, but then again, what do I know?

So I called to check in with him. No response. I'm sure he's fine. He always is. I just worry. It's not even me. It's just those dreams again.

I struggle.

Well in the first 8 days of the new year, I've been able to cross off a couple of the things on my Bucket List.  Unfortunately, I would have preferred that they turn out differently, but such is life, right?  

So here's the story.  An old friend asked for a favor.  Needed a place to stay for awhile.  I knew what I was getting into.  I knew the history.  Addiction, mistakes, selfishness, depression...

What I saw - An addict trying to get clean.  A young person trying to right the wrongs they'd done.  Someone that had hope for being a better person.  A young soul that needed a friendly face and a kind ear to listen as they struggled.

I took a chance.  I took a chance when people told me it was a bad idea.  I took a chance when I was apprehensive.  I took a chance because I would want someone to take a chance on me.  Gamble on me.  Bet on me.

As happens a lot of the time when I do bet,  I lost.  And if you're gonna go, ya gotta go big.  I lost big.  My belongings were rifled through and my trust was violated.  I lost some jewelry, some credit cards, some cash and mostly, some faith.

Last night after it all came to light, I was angry.  Raging.  So much so that I scrubbed down the kitchen and the bathroom and did 6 loads of laundry.  And now that I think about it, it's a pretty good release of frustration - all that good old fashioned hard work.  Very productive.

I'm sorting out the credit card ordeal, and now my debit card ordeal... (thank you ChaseBank for calling me within 4 hours of the first fraudulent charge).  I'd been lied to, I'd been taken a fool, and worse, I felt like one.  I wish I could say that I never had that thought you have after being burned, the one where you swear to never trust again...

Oh, I thought it.  For a split second in anger and just sheer desperation of not knowing what else to think...  but it's not me.  I'm not that person.  I'm not a "glass half-empty" type of girl.  I never have been.  Sure, I have my moments, I struggle... but that's all they are.  Just moments of fear.  And I choose faith over fear.

I have faith that people are kind and good and sweet and honest and selfless and that they won't hurt you, intentionally or otherwise.  I give more than I get.  I'm happy to lend a hand, an ear, a shoulder to anyone that needs it.  I may sound naive to some, but it's just an outlook.  I've learned that there are some people in this world, in this life, in my life (past tense, obv) that are only thinking of themselves and that some people are not capable of compassion and even some persons that choose to inflict verbal/emotional/physical abuse.  Those people are few and far between and I am grateful to have only met a few of the latter kind.

--------------------------------------
dear old friend,  I am compassionate.  I am considerate.  I love you.  But I love me more.  There is only so much that I can give.  I took a chance.  I gave more good than I got.  And I gave a second chance... but am not willing to give a third.  I'll be happy to lend an ear, but that's all I can manage.  Call me when it all works out for you and you're sober for a couple of years.  love, carrie
--------------------------------------

And the worst part of it all?  As bad as this may sound, nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.  The absolute worst was having to admit (just to myself) that my Dad and C. were right and I was wrong.  I effing hate that.



PS - I've decided to adopt a new outlook for chance-giving...
"fool me once, shame on you.  fool me twice, eff you. "

I am not my stuff

"You can't depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus" - Mark Twain

What do you do when you can't think straight because of all the stuff in your room, your house, your life? You start over. Sell it, give it, donate it if you have to. Get rid of everything you don't absolutely need.

Easily said. Not so easy to do.

I've sorted clothing, and books, and shoes, and boots, and furniture, and bedding, and kitchen stuff, and photos, and letters from old boyfriends, and the cards that come with the flowers they send.... the lists go on and on. I'm sure I could spend days making lists of what I need to get rid of. I'm pretty much to the point where I just want to throw it all away. Why do I have so much stuff? Where did it all come from? How much money have I spent???

I have to say it's daunting to look at everything that I own and realize that it all has to go. If I'm going to do this right, I have to let it go. I have to let it go to move on. I need to move on and get up and get out. I need to go 'be'.

Every now and then, I'll run across a photo, or letter or note from a friend or boyfriend and I'll think, well, I could just keep this one thing. This one keepsake. Knowing myself well enough, somehow, I'll wind up with 3 boxes of 'keepsakes.'

But slowly, ok, very slowly... I'm letting it go. An old friend, C., was kind enough to remind me that 'you are not your stuff.' I'll be sure to repeat that while I clean out my keepsake boxes.