mixed emotions

There are good days, and there are bad days.

The good days are weighing out the bad days lately... actually, I haven't had a 'bad' day in quite some time.

I'm getting more comfortable being alone.

It's not a bad thing, it's not a sad thing.

It's just that I'm comfortable with myself.

I don't need someone to entertain me.

I can entertain myself for hours on end with no problem.

I even make myself laugh out loud sometimes.

I've done that to bestie, Allisen, while I'm in the middle of leaving a voice message for her.  I often make myself laugh and get distracted in the message.  Hence the reason that if I call you and you don't answer, I probably won't leave a message.  It won't make any sense.  It would be... nonsensical.  But you would laugh.  Because I laughed.  I would have made you smile.  But back to the task at hand...

To quote one of my favorite movies {Hope Floats} :

"beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

There are days, as my departure date (02/19/2009) gets closer that I am nervous, scared and unsure of what I must be thinking.

I have doubt and fear about my choice to leave my oh-so-secure comfort zone.

I am sad to leave my family, my friends, my home of 12 years.

I'm sad to be giving away/selling all of my things.

I'm sad that I won't be able to see my friends or hug and kiss my sweet family any time I want.

I won't have my cell phone to get the text messages and facebook updates and voicemails that I love.

I won't have my stable mailbox where my friends & family send me post that makes me smile so much.

I'm nervous that I won't meet my deadline to raise the funds that I need to make this adventurous step forward in my life.

Underneath the fear and sadness of all of that, I have hope.

I have oh-so-much hope.

Hope that I am doing the right thing.

Hope that I will make a difference.

Even if only in the life of one child, woman or man.

Hope is all I have right now for my adventurous journey yet to begin...

I just need to give that hope a chance to float on up...

and it will.